Hope you’re well. I’m sure this is a very busy time for you, but I would really appreciate it if you took your time to read through this letter, especially having in mind I have never written to you before – not as a child, not as a teenager, and it’s now on my very late twenties that I’m addressing directly to you, a fictional character, that in many ways I find now… quite unsettling. Please, don’t be offended. It’s nothing against you. It’s against society – after all, you’re just a societal construct.
I always knew you didn’t exist. My parents never made an effort to create this illusion, and to be honest, I always knew better. I don’t want to sound pretentious or to mean that I was smarter than anyone else… I just knew that it was physically impossible for you to come down our chimney. You would get stuck and die, especially as we have a stove in the living room. I knew too well that my gifts were put under the tree by my parents, especially as they would be placed there way in advance of Christmas Eve… and well… while the idea of reindeers flying is really enticing, I just, once again, knew that was impossible… as well as for you to deliver presents to every single child in the whole world…
Also, this year, especially when you’re flying over London, consider getting your booster jab. It’s covid outside indeed. Would hate for you to be part of the long list of infected people. Also, having into consideration your age and weight (please, don’t get offended), it sounds like those are already two risk factors… so, you know, take care. And wear a mask.
I’m rambling now. All I want to say is that I do need some things this Christmas, and I think I’ve been good this year. Honestly, I barely left the house, to protect myself and others from this virus. I found myself being kind to others when I was struggling to be kind to myself. So, I hope I’m on your “good side” this year.
So, this year, I would really like a hoover. A proper one. In the UK, people love carpeted floors, and my flat has indeed the bedroom floor carpeted. It’s a nightmare to clean and my current hoover isn’t powerful enough. I just want to keep my home properly clean, you see? I quite like Hetty. Seems to be a light, fun, cute hoover. And efficient, according to Amazon reviews. But, you know, I am happy with a Dyson as well. A bit more expensive, but I’m sure you know people in high places that can get you a “business” discount, don’t you?
I also want my wings back, please. I hope you understand this is just figuratively speaking. I want to be able to “fly” again. To explore this beautiful world and culture. I want to make sure I make the most of the time I have, and honestly…since 2020 this has been difficult. Can I please have my wings back? Of course, if your elves can engineer some sort of device that can take me anywhere without fear, that would be much appreciated. However, they must be tired, so I won’t ask for that. Please make sure you pay them proper wages. That they have access to proper healthcare. A good number of vacation days a year. I also hope you’re using sustainable materials in your shop. In a few years, you may not have Lapland anymore. All the ice would have melted, and that wouldn’t be pleasant at all. I’m trusting that the magic you require to ride your flying sleight is non-pollutant.
Finally, I would love a lifelong coffee subscription. Okay, maybe not lifelong, as I don’t quite know for how long my coffee machine will last. But I think it’s safe to say at least 1 year? If all goes well, I can renew this request next year. Coffee is what keeps me going in the long days and weeks of work. For reference, I have a Nespresso Vertuo Machine, and I mostly only drink espressos. Just FYI.
I don’t think I’m asking for too much, but if I need to choose just one, that would be the wings please. Thank you so much. Send my warmest regards to your hardworking elves.
P.S. You can leave the gifts by the front porch. Please DO NOT try to come down the chimney. I repeat. DO NOT use the chimney to enter our house.