In London, the Oxford St. Christmas lights were switched on in the beginning of the month, and all the other streets followed towards the holy spirit. Shop windows seduce us with little (or even BIG) Christmas tales, with beautiful adornments and gifts suggestions for everyone, but not every wallet.
The time (tale?) of consumerism has officially began and it has reached its pinnacle this weekend with the not that amazing Black Friday offers. Anything logical about the crazy behavior that us, stupid ignorant humans, have when confronted with sales? No. Nothing. And still we keep falling for it. Every. Single. Time.
Is it because we feel in control with the idea of buying something, to get an object status changed to “owned by me”? Is it something that we need because we are so empty of social relations, and true, meaningful values? What are we actually looking for? Is it only discounts, or is there something else behind it?
Why do we feel the need to give and buy presents? Why do I always feel the stress to find the perfect gift for someone? Why is it so important to me not to cause disappointment by giving the not so perfect gift? Why do I have to behave like this every single year, every single time? The person I am, the actions I perform, the words I speak, shouldn’t that mean much more to someone than the present I give?
Yes. And it probably does. But still, I keep thinking that I need to buy the perfect gift for dad, perhaps he would like me more. Or an expensive one for mom, perhaps she would like me more too. Or a trendy one for the sister, perhaps she could look up for me more often.
What a sad, stupid, unconscious way of thinking and acting.
I love to buy presents, just because I love to buy. I love shopping, and that’s my curse. I can hate and love consumerism at the same time, and now I wonder if that is why I still like Christmas. Or used to like anyway. Surprisingly, this year, my spirits are low despite of Christmas being on its way. Not sure why but perhaps any leftovers of childish illusion and naivety have completely left my body and soul. I am officially an adult full of bitterness and empty of life illusions! Reasons for this… hum this was a fucking hell of a year, don’t you think? One can only hope it ends fast and that 2017 might be happier. Obviously, since my already weak delusional spirit has left me, I do not believe it’s going to be better. Not even a bit. Quite the opposite.
Now, I look at all this and I think that Christmas used to mean something to me, more than the shopping maniac obsessive behavior. Christmas used to mean warmth, safety, kindness and friendship. Christmas was to watch Home Alone for the hundredth time, curl myself by the fireplace, watch the Christmas at the hospitals TV shows. Listening to cheesy songs, and know the lyrics by heart. The Making of the Christmas Tree, the smell of roasted codfish and turkey from the kitchen. The anticipation of having family coming over. Seeing the pile of presents getting bigger and bigger with my aunts and uncles presence on Christmas Eve.
But this is all over, for a long time now. I am not living at home anymore, not even in the same country. Family has stopped coming over for Christmas, because people are conflictive and untrustworthy, especially when it comes to your so-called family members. Nobody really cares about the roasted meal or the presents underneath the tree. Only I was caring, wanting so badly to make this time of the year special. That is probably why I am so addicted to the idea of buying the perfect present. To make that night a bit more special, perhaps. But I am tired, and tired of trying. And now, when I look around, all I see is consumerism, shopping bags full of presents, but empty hearts, empty lives.
And still, I went today to Winter Wonderland trying to get into some Christmas Spirit. I did eat a delicious Bratwurst and had some hot chocolate. Spirits still low, but I had a good time. Got some ideas for Christmas shopping and for a while the world seemed a better place. After all, this is all about that: making us feel, even if only for a few hours, a few days, a bit better with the world, by keeping our mind away of serious concerns. It’s empty, but yet, it has a end, and that’s all it matters.
Let consumerism blind you for this season!
So, go on. Enjoy the ride.