The Palpitations before the Earthquake

A chapter is about to be closed.  Usually, the writer feels accomplishment when finishing a chapter, by giving a deep breath, knowing that there is something that he can leave behind. However, a few moments later, the weight of the expectations for the beginning of the next chapter awakes him as if it was the annoying song of the clock in the morning.

In life, the same happens. When closing a stage in life, we get that pleasant feeling of having innumerous possibilities for the new one. But then, after a while, it doesn’t matter how brave we might be, the uncertainty about these same possibilities, when thinking in the diversity of paths we can choose, freaks us out. We can’t stop thinking about it, every single moment. We dream about it. We go to the beach trying to just admire the blue of the ocean, and the pressure is always there. We try to hold off these upsetting thoughts about everything going terribly wrong when going out with friends, having drinks, and we can’t! It is like a parasite lodging in our brains, feeding on our despair and driving us mad!

Did anyone ever felt like this before? I am supposed to believe that I am normal when I just can’t make my brain to stop thinking?

I got completely sick with my job, so I am not continuing there. It is my decision, one of the bravest I have taken in my entire life, but I am feeling incredibly well with it. I know I am doing the right thing for me, ‘cause the job is really killing me. Remain true to myself is one of the few things I have left (well, that and my growing closet and bookshelves). But what about now? That’s the feeling. This fucked up mind of mine can’t stop weighting the consequences of this. Since I am quite used to things to go wrong, regardless of my efforts and hard work, I am so insanely afraid of things not getting better. And if it gets worse, I just don’t know what to do. (Unfortunately) I am a girl with GREAT EXPECTATIONS (Charles Dickens ref.)!

There is this adrenaline rush in my veins, to be honest. Adrenaline transformed into fear, turned into adrenaline all over again. Sometimes, I want to cry and I can’t. I just really can’t, my body won’t allow me the pleasure. My body also seems to think that I don’t need to sleep. I think my brain is consciously trying to kill me, sometimes. And, I feel these pointing things in my head and in my heart, and I start to feel a bit dizzy, without being drunk or doing crazy shopping.

My studies are finally finishing too. This chapter that I am currently closing has a lot of stuff in it. At least, I think I can categorize this as a good thing (besides the travelling, and the bookish and fashionista addiction that led me to spend a lot of money in this chapter of my life). At least there is something.

These are the palpitations before the earthquake. When everything gets suddenly quiet, animals start to behave in a strange way, and the earth makes movements so soft that humans cannot possibly feel it.  When the sky is a bit odd, with a yellow-oranged color, when it seems there is no wind or air circulating at all, and everything is stopped in expectation. And then, the floor trembles and it shakes every single structure, every single being, every rock, river and even the insignificant dust in the surface of this earth.

I just hope that the earthquake will shake my life in good ways, in amazingly awesome ways.

Coimbra, Portugal (2012)

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